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Little talks. [Mar. 22nd, 2012|11:10 pm]
I have come to huge conclusions, startling revelations and new beginnings.

I think my biggest regret is strange reactions to good things.

I cant say I am unhappy. I am confused and scared, but not in a bad way.
I am learning new things about myself with others being a sort of outlet. I am meeting very interesting people I am unsure I would meet without past experiences.
I am seeing a guy who is in many ways a photocopy of myself (and yet perhaps myself a few years ago) We bounce off of one another like little quarter machine bouncy balls and bounce right back at each other, laughing the whole time. What a trip. What a life.

I wish I could take some statements back and fill them in with others. I have realized that what made the best year of my life thus far the best was an intense friendship and discovering myself again. Its over, that sucked for a while, but I shut my ears to some wisdom dropped on me until now. I am ready to soak it in. I think maybe he is right, but not in all aspects. I liked it, but perhaps I too wasn't getting what I needed or craved. Thats because we were...are?... friends. The friendship was in fact better in many ways without complicating it. Everything happens for a reason and he and I got to this place through the events of the past. And I am very glad for it. No lie the wound is not all healed, but it actually has very little to do with him and more with myself, and dealing with OTHER things I never dealt with. I get to face them now by myself and its a good positive thing. It is and always was MY fight to battle. He told me he would be happy to see me find someone, I guess I wouldn't feel the same, I violently opposed it.... I guess I was wrong. I am happy for him.  Go figure. I still feel some element of hurt but I cant put my finger on what part of my entire situation (family, job, relationship etc) is really the core.
Things will get back to good, because... they were never bad. I am going to let go of the emotions past but never the memories because they kicked ass. And that is more than I can say about the past beyond that. I think I am on the right track!

I have no idea if you read this shit anymore. But anyhow, I want to sincerely say how happy I am for you. I feel like I initially made an ass out myself. We all move through life differently and we touched one anothers lives in a different way. Your path is one I admire, you are a person I care for. You will go super far, and super far together. I wish you luck and light in your journey and I look forward to seeing what you build. Know that I am doing better these days. It took a kick in the ass but it is what it is! I am sorry at how stupid I acted that night. I was already being stupid with an old friend and it was like... a compound stupidity fest. haha.

anyways back to journaling because I feel like it.
Today was spectacular. I didnt think I could have this much fun right now but I get surprised with life in general these days. I keep thinking one emotion or another no longer is in my spectrum but then it bites me hard and I am re hooked on it. Looking into someones eyes and seeing the surprise of interest you have is something... special. I also never thought that I would squee over a little action figure, or ever get excited to open a blind box again.
I am still a bit wobbly on my feet but I feel like I am becoming more grounded. I know I have decisions to make but I still feel no rush in giving in to various yes' or no's as I quite enjoy where I am at and feel no need to deny myself time to let it all sink in.
Now if only the captain of my crew would give me a start date  golden is where I would be!

CNN is hard to watch... a US solider massacred 17 people?! wtf....

I wish I had the money to see the damn spiderman musical, prices are robbery. It would just be nice to stop jamming to "freak like me" on youtube and get excited to see it live. 

muhahahaha you know this place is surprisingly easy to break into!? ha. I am such a loser.

Avengers needs to come out. I am lonely without hot hot Thor on Iron Man action.
Better go before I start writing shitty poetry

(no subject) [Mar. 15th, 2012|11:14 pm]
I miss you.

Why does everyone else suck so goddamn much?

(no subject) [Feb. 25th, 2012|04:48 pm]
Swift of hands and torn from your heart,
only a single ember did burn.
Trapped in glass,
glance of Loki,
Unbreakable in silence.

Beating, striking,
heartbeating faster and faster,
light burning brighter within untouchable walls.
Fury building,
unwavering conviction.

You watch from over shoulder,
casting the most deadly glance.
Daggers drawn,
you wait there for the move, the spark....

The glass cracked.

(no subject) [Feb. 23rd, 2012|05:15 pm]
smoke blur
a hurt that you love.
scream in the daytime.
That sick pain, that nudge of no affection.

I fucking smile and greet it.

A curl, a squirm. The real truth that none will be there and its a snap

Sparks, battles. I know where it goes. then silence

I watch you as we fight, you mischievous ways dominate, but somehow, some way, you get cut.
A simple cut and you flash away. there is no further battle.

Are you gone after that? after that laughter? Never did I imagine.

Come kindle. wrap me in you.
Should we die, should we kill what is left,
I welcome it with teeth drawn,
With claws bearing.

Lets pretend they are not there..... for a moment.

The most intense shit I have written in forever. [Feb. 23rd, 2012|05:02 am]
You dont remember the blur when you wake up to the bulb light,
squinting and snarling at decisions.
A quiet familiar voice,
urging you to stay
wanting you to change.
You turn a blind eye to the glaring,
a shift to the side.
You run,
as fast as your feet will carry,
eyes  closed so tight tears are pushed aside.
The breath catches up and you stop.
Grasping knees and growling,
you realize you do not know where you landed.

Where is this weary heart?
Who are all of these who pick at you?
Bread to the birds,
each and every leaving a mark, a hole, crumbs to reassemble

A force to be reckoned with.
The kindling in the kingdom.
Who tore in without warning,
mysterious and violent.
Torrid and unexpected,
Tears fall for this creature, a battle is soon to come....
Who will be the victor?
If any?

There is little comfort in the fresh,
little comfort in the flesh.
Comfort in oneself, the scratching of the sheets,
and the slick kick of that drink the only companion.
Being whole is a new sensation.

The boldness of this talk has no warming on the heart.
The waking and realization only bring more doubt.
The uncertainty and blur bring the irreconcilable doubt.
And this one refuses to regret so she embraces even the worst of it.

A song I listened to a thousand times runs through my broken brain....
And I am running up that hill,
I am running up that building,
The fear that has built is massive.
The pain I think is to come is devastating.
Somehow I want the hurt.

And somehow I hope it all works out.

God who reads my shitty ass poetry? who the hell am I even kidding.

(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2012|02:51 pm]
All curled up and everywhere to go, and she just doesn't know.
The sheets and the lies keep me company, the blur of it all gives me a bit of sympathy.
The tears are unexpectedly about the next thing
The pain is a garbled mess of yesterday and the pressure of the future.
She smiles and with a piercing glance she kills it, everyone gets hurt now.
She is in control.
Just as strong as you thought, the world will hear this one's battle cry.
I will end this all with all that I know, with all I will be, I will kill this with every breath I breathe
with everything I see.

something good [Feb. 16th, 2012|05:49 pm]
Certainly starting to see that glossing over something, or trying to squeeze memories and feelings away is not easy or perhaps impossible.

What I have learned in just a few weeks is pretty insane. So why cant I just shake it out? There was a time when I thought perhaps all the words had been said but now I am sure I have millions of them, enough to drown ears for ages to come. Perhaps the opportunity will arise.

I find myself biting my tongue so often, staring down at my phone, ready to pounce, but I recoil. How do you fight for something that fighting does nothing for your gain?

Also people are weird. I am really starting to see that I am far less strange than I once thought, but 1000x more genuine.
One of these days I will paste this stuff into a real book...

I will write "the girl with the ferret tattoo" on it.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

(no subject) [Feb. 14th, 2012|04:18 am]
Happy Valentines day Katie. I miss you so amazingly much. I have had trouble sleeping recently, dont you know it.
I wish I could tell you face to face how much I love you but this will have to do. I hope you are able to reach down today and make Bob realize how much he has to live for. So many people are asking to be your valentine today. I know we would be one anothers. I found myself in such a weird place the other day and I laid there and flashed you a peace sign. I know you saw and you laughed so hard at me. I cant wait to get up in that balloon named after you. I think it will be as close to you as I can get before I too meet my maker. As much as I want to be with you again, lets hope that is so many years away.

I love you so very much Katie. Happy Valentines day.

(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2012|02:54 pm]
Sometimes the past creeps up on you.

Vash the Stampede... every time I observe his actions I can't help but sense something hidden deep within him, something we can't begin to understand. But this much is certain: everyone one who has become involved with him has somehow regained an emotion which was once lost.

(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2012|12:41 am]

"Running Up That Hill"

[Kate Bush cover]

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems [x2]

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' [x7]

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